Harry Potter and the What This Time?
by Queen Smuffles
Summary: Insane, wacky, book titles and ideas you will never, ever see in Harry Potter.
1. Harry Potter and the Sandwich of Doom

**Harry Potter and the Sandwich of Doom.**

Disclaimer: I only own the sandwich. And I lose that in the end anyway. Still, enjoy!!!

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Harry crept silently down the corridor, shielded by his invisibility cloak. He couldn't sneak around Hogwarts without his invisibility cloak. It was like a spare limb. Harry made his way to the kitchens and tickled the pear, allowing him entrance. He pulled off his cloak and stepped inside, scratching his arms vigorously. 

The cloak was itchy.

Immediately, Dobby scurried over and pulled on the bottom of Harry's robes.

"Harry, sir! Harry Potter, sir!"

This would have been a normal greeting, except for the fact Dobby was wearing a fairy dress and holding wand, waving it back and forth before bopping him on the knee.

He couldn't reach Harry's head.

Harry blinked but trudged over to the corner of the kitchens and sat down at a small table.

"What can Dobby get for Harry Potter, sir?" the creature asked.

Harry rubbed his chin and stared at the ceiling thoughtfully for a moment. 

Choosing a meal was important, almost important as using an invisibility cloak.

"A sandwich please," Harry said, adjusting his robes to be more comfortable.

Dobby ran off, waving his fairy wand, his dress billowing out as he rounded the corner.

Of course, Harry didn't notice this. He was thinking about the most important thing in the world to him.

Defeating Voldemort of course.

_I could try Ron's idea_, Harry thought. _Although, I'm not exactly sure if Voldemort is scared of peacocks_.

Just then, Dobby ran over and plopped a small plate on the table near Harry.

"Is there anything else Harry Potter might need from Dobby, sir?" He asked.

Harry shook his head and motioned for the house elf to leave.

Harry stared at the sandwich appraisingly, he couldn't tell what kind it was.

But it had whole wheat bread. He hated whole wheat.

Or maybe it just looked like whole wheat.

He poked it. It seemed normal enough.

But then...

"Do you MIND!?" a voice yelled.

Harry looked around for the owner of the voice.

"Sorry?" He asked.

He glanced back at the table, the sandwich was...moving.

The bread was bending back and forth, as if to scrunch its nose.

"Harry?" the sandwich asked.

"Err.."

"Harry Potter?" It continued.

"You're a talking sandwich," Harry stated.

"Obviously," the sandwich said, making a motion as if to shrug.

"Eat me Harry," it cried out with longing.

"What? Why? You're...alive."

The sandwich groaned.

"You have to eat me, Harry," the sandwich said.

Harry blinked, "Why do I have to eat you?"

"Because it's your DESTINY, Harry!"

"You could be an evil sandwich," Harry poked it lightly.

The sandwich squirmed, "Would you stop that?"

"Sorry," Harry muttered.

There was silence between Harry and the sandwich for a few moments, the only sound coming from the cooking and cleaning house elves around the corner.

"Uhm. Well. Are you evil?" He asked the sandwich.

"Well, yes. But you have to eat me."

"You want me to eat you. But you're evil. And why are you telling me the truth?" Harry said.

The sandwich went still before responding, "Bug in evil sandwich creations. I can't lie."

"Oh," Harry said, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Who do you serve then?"

There was a faint reply from the sandwich, which sounded distinctly like "lardvelmore".

"Come again?" Harry asked.

"Lord Voldemort," the sandwich said, louder this time.

Harry stiffened and whipped out his wand, "Why does Lord Voldemort want me to eat a sandwich?"

"He wants you to keep up your strength," the sandwich said calmly.

"Seriously?"

"Yes. That and if you eat me you could jeopardize the fate of the wizarding world, like you would have done normally. He's just helping you along is all, mate. Mind scratching my ear? I have quite an itch."

Harry blinked, processing what the sandwich just told him before stating, "You don't have an ear."

"Yes. Well, are you going to eat me or not?" the sandwich asked.

"You have whole wheat bread, I don't like whole wheat," Harry said.

The sandwich laughed.

"Its not really whole wheat, its regular bread charmed so evil it turned brown."

"Oh," Harry said.

He shifted in his seat, thinking of what Ron and Hermione would do.

"I'm still not going to eat you. I could be putting people's lives in danger," Harry said simply.

"I'm tuna."

Harry ate the sandwich.

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A/N: Well? What did you thinkkkkkk!? Review and I'll get another chapter up. Otherwise I'll probably just trash this fic lmfao. Have a nice day!


	2. Harry Potter and the Shaving Problem

**Harry Potter and the Shaving Problem.**

Disclaimer: I only own…Well, err. Nevermind. Cheers, JKR.****

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Harry wobbled to the bathroom and groggily picked up his razor and a can of shaving cream. Ron and Hermione stood behind him and watched as he _carefully_ shaved his face. 

Hermione shifted uncomfortably on her feet. 

"Why are we here again?" She asked Ron.

"Well, we're a trio remember?"

Hermione nodded. "Right. Right..."

"--And I want to envy Harry for having FACIAL HAIR before me!" Ron said.

Harry paused before rinsing off his face and saying, "I always wondered why you were so mad at Hermione in second year..."

Ron sputtered and looked as if he was on the verge of tears. "She...She even had a longer appendage than I have. It's just not _FAIR_!"

Harry and Hermione blinked.

A vibrant red spread up Ron's neck and face as he blushed. "I said that out loud didn't I? I-I can't take it anymore! I just want to be _different_. And-and if I can't have facial hair..I'll have NO HAIR! _AHAHAHAHA_!"

Harry and Hermione goggled as Ron proceeded to pick up Harry's razor and shave his head.

When he finished, Ron jumped up and down and whooped for joy. "_AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! HAAAAAAAAAAA_! GONE! The hair is GONE! No more red! NO MOOORE! Oh except for--"

"Not out loud!" Hermione interrupted.

Harry crossed his arms over his chest in what he thought was a manly manor. "Hermione how did you kno--"

Hermione quickly saw where the situation was going and backed herself out the door. "I have to go SHAVE MY TAIL now."

Harry and Ron looked at each other as she ran out of the bathroom.

"She still has a tail?" They said simultaneously.

Suddenly, there was a huge _BANG_ and Voldemort appeared in front of them, ready to attack them in the measly Hogwarts bathroom even though apparating wasn't allowed on Hogwarts grounds (just ask Hermione), because they didn't have the power of _THREE_.

Voldemort's snake-like red eyes glowed maliciously and his sunken nose wiggled back and forth. "You are DOOMED Potter! YOU ARE DOOOOMED! ARRRRHAHAHA! What are you going to do Potter, SHAVE ME!?"  
Voldemort waved his wand back and forth in a way that he thought was menacing. In fact, he had tested it on Malfoy. But it could have been his sleeping attire that provoked Malfoy's reaction. Honestly, he didn't understand why that man or Pettigrew didn't like Teletubbies. But that wasn't the point, in his temporary daydream about his Teletubbies pajamas he had completely forgotten about Harry who was now poised to strike with...

Was that a razor?

Before he could think on the matter further, Harry lunged at him and shaved the last protruding part of his sunken nose off.

Voldemort screamed like a school girl and disappeared with another _BANG_, leaving behind a trail of music.

_The sun will come out...TOMORROW!_

Harry and Ron collapsed in exhaustion. Shaving does that to a man. Boy. Thing.

Suddenly, there was another large _BANG _and Voldemort appeared again, falling over a sink nearby, causing Harry and Ron to spring up ready to defend themselves. Voldemort sheepishly grabbed his wand and gave them a small wave. "So sorry." With that he disappeared for the final time that day.

Voldemort had been defeated once again.

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"Hermione, be PROUD. You have a tail. We don't care. Now go in there and strut your…stuff," Harry urged.

Hermione reluctantly pulled out the tail she had been hiding since her second year and strutted into the Great Hall, squeezing her eyes shut and awaiting laugher and jeers.   
After a few minutes, she opened her eyes. Everyone was staring at her shaved tail in awe. She grinned and swished it, walking the rest of the way to the Gryffindor table. Harry followed after and took a seat next to Hermione, giving her a grin and tickling her tail for good measure.

I mean, what else were friends for?

A few minutes later, Ron walked into the Great Hall proudly, in a Gryffindor-like way, _BALD_ and headed over to Harry and Hermione.

Seamus blinked at the sight before asking Neville, "Do you think he's got a rare disease we don' know 'bout?" 

Neville let out an "_Mmphhh_" in reply and continued staring at Parvati Patil.

Seamus sighed and ate a potato.

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A/N: Credit for this chapter rests solely with myself and Bryn, whom inspired a lot of it…And wrote half of it as well! I wasn't planning on trashing this fic, but thanks for the reviews anyway. It encouraged me to get off my ass and actually write a new chapter! Be sure to review for me, lovelies!!! *takes pride in my _BANG_'s*


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